Again ... I wait too long to write

And in waiting to write I'm sure I miss things ... But to recap ...

School ended weeks ago, got decent grades, all ready to go for next semester. Christmas came and went. It was really cool, the build up to the holiday. The crafts, the decorations, the treats, the anticipation, the pics with Santa, the eve at Auntie's house and the morning with paper and bows strewn about the house and too many gifts for the kids to even know what to do with. I love it ... they loved it ... and it's time to take down that tree and regain that three feet of space in the dining room.

R had her tonsils out, as well as adenoids, on the 29th. She's sleeping soundly behind me, I will have to wake her in a bit to give her meds for pain only to have her fall back to sleep. I hope she falls back to sleep, it's almost 1AM. The other thing about all this is I do this alone, again ... tending to my kid alone. This never seems to ... like it always bugs me. Always freshens the sting of that ex of mine being a waste of good breathable air ... too harsh? Maybe ... I'm in a bit of a mood.

It's new years eve tomorrow ... I will be home with R, which is really A-OK with me. It's where I need to be tending to my girl. However ... I know I would rather be out whooping it up after the kids are in bed and enjoying the adulthood that I wish I could enjoy.

Lately I have been thinking ALL too much about what I wish I'd done instead ... I HATE when I get in these moods. As a base line NO I do not wish to take away my kids and change my life BUT if I could go back and I know that I wouldn't know about my life as it is today ... I WOULD do things differently. Anyway ... I wont make a list of what I wish was different ... maybe at another time.

Ending on this note ... as I am trying to get back into ... I am grateful for the roof and walls surrounding us and keeping us from the elements. I am thankful for a loving family and a means to provide for at least what we have, thankful for the parents that help the rest of the way. Thankful for the healthy girls I have and health of self.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve ...

Holiday Festivities and Mom guilt

This past Saturday evening was the ex-husbands family xmas party. Typically it carries a shorter title BUT there's no naming names here in bloggy world right? Anyway ... we had a great time. My oldest is biologically connected to this family, my youngest is not, HOWEVER, they do embrace them both and it's really very heart warming when you step back and examine it all. Especially if you know all of the ugly history of the ex-husband ... not only on my side and in regards to me and my eldest ... but even on the side of his family ... it's crazy business. They really are a great bunch of loving people. There was plenty of yummy snacks and drinks and desserts ... I love pot luck, mostly because I love variety ... this is directly related to the fact that I can not make a decision to save my life sometimes. We did a regular gift giving event for the little children (there were 5 of them) and a Yankee swap for the adults (and older children). All went well, my ex only spoke to me a few times so that was nice too LOL

Sunday we had a birthday party to go to, I took M along as the 'rents went out for a bit. It was fun, the kids played the grown ups dished about our personal lives ... why not ... we're neighbors ... it's all good. I had errands to run, R wanted to stay home, M wanted to come with ... for the most part she was good but every once and a while she would do something. Like the manner in which she asks for things ... she doesn't ask ... she manipulates you into giving her things she wants. Like she will say "I really love {insert food item}" (if you're cooking, or in the grocery store or driving past your local donut shop). She will also say "I wish I could have ... bla bla" and she will get her wish. Now this doesn't fly with me BUT it does with the other two or three people that are her guardians during the day. It's so frustrating ... OH and the other thing is when she sees a hard candy dish or container or cough drop bag she will start coughing and claim to have a sore throat. Now ... okay I know she is only three and as I type this out it's all sounding very cute and WOW what a smart and manipulative lil thing ... but it's awfully hard to deal with when I've explained to her that it's lying if she says something and it's not true. Don't start coughing and telling me your sick when you're not. I try to explain it's lying ... try to explain ... just ask for it and I'll be happy to dish out what ever your heart wants ...with in reason and when warranted ... ugh ... it doesn't stick.. So all that on top of her pinching her sister, lying about her sister taking things from her and not listening to her sister when requesting that M get off her ... it was a minimuly stressful Sunday.

And now of course I'm feeilng bad for how I dealt with it ... maybe it's more so that I feel bad that I had to deal with it ... I didn't do anything rash, nothing drastic. She had a few time outs, had to clean her room a couple times, say sorry to her sister ... what evs ... ugh ... I just feel guilty .... maybe that I'm not around as much as I should in order to steer her in the right direction. Maybe that's what it is ... ah well ... I'm off school for the next three weeks AND one of those weeks I am off from work. R has surgery on the 29th, I am off that week, the first two days of the week we are going to be hitting the Time To Clay place and going out for a daughter/mumma dinner ... I am looking forward to the time off ... hope R takes the surgery well. Hope M takes it easy on her that week.

A short and maybe false rest

Finals are done! Last night was the final night of Nursing Fundamentals! Commence Happy Dance!!!! I was a bit sad to see that one of my friends from class wasn't there ... I wonder if she chose to hop out of the program ... I only hope she chooses to take the final though ... how awful to waste that money and time to fail the class. I do hope she finds herself in a happier place quite soon!

So it's like ... a FREAKIN WEEK till Christmas and we are all very excited. By we I mean myself and R and M. The BF is not a fan of xmas .... for his own reasons and they are valid of course. So the girls and I will enjoy our holiday to the fullest and probably end up making him quietly peeved in the mean time. Tonight we're going to be making a gingerbread house ... YES it's a kit ... BUT it is my first time with a Gingerbread House. If I like it ... next year I may try making my own from scratch. Oh and we must finish a school project for R, a story of what we celebrate this time of year and how we do it up! After all that I still have some xmas shopping to do, wrapping the gifts and enjoying the smell baking cookies and no bake fudge.

Why ...

Why don't I post more often ... seriously ... you think I would with the amount of time I spend at the computer. Ah well ... so here I am either way ... just two days away from finals for this semester.

How do I feel I will do on my test?
My best.
That is all I can do. If I haven't done the reading then it's on me right ... which yeah there is a ton of material I've not read ... so many pages and not enough days in which to read it all. Enough of school though ... I will have plenty enough time to rehash all the coulda shoulda wouldas during break!

The kids are great ... M got her ears pierced yesterday and she was great, a brave three year old sitting atop that super duper high tippy chair they have your potentially trembling child set in holding a bear ... that bear had probably been the sponge of many a fearful tear shed. My M, didn't cry. She did great staying still, staring right at my nose (I was flaring nostrils to distract) and then the two girls working at that lil store worked in unison to be quick and sweet. M winced, flinched and asked "are they done?". She did great ... no tears and even asked for a second pop ... I declined.

I took them to Rain Forest Cafe for lunch. What a great time we all had at the mall. We'd gone to the Burlington Mall, we were in Mass already and the place I'd planned on heading to initially didn't work out. Dos was with us, oh him ... yes ... he'll be featured on a separate paragraph. So yeah we all went to lunch and trolled around the mall a bit ... was good times, the decorations were great, we spied on Santa from the top floor too.

I had taken my girls to see the Nashua Santa earlier that week, the line was short, the Santa was happy ... I was thankful AND there was two other student RNs in the line in front and behind me. Weird right! one was getting her masters and the other was getting her AS.

So ... yeah Dos ... he had been drink free for over two months ... though apparently he partook in a beer over the weekend and also apparently the beer wasn't satisfying ... so ... yeah ... why do it?! Meh ... what evs ... not my thing ... anyway I guess I expressed my concern that he was an alcoholic and the fact was confirmed and he's made many changes, of which I appreciate. This one beer doesn't concern me, we shall see what comes of it though. He has been MUCH more attentive to his ADLs. There are even beds now in his place for our kids to sleep :) He's such a forest rough neck (I guess I don't like using the term redneck ... only because we're not from the south). We just need to find a couple more box springs and a mattress or two.

Anyway, I really could ramble on about him ... and how fabulous he is ... I really did start having my doubts because of all that was happening but my gosh ... what a fabulous man he is and WOW how he amazes me when he is on his game.

Sparse posts and poor spelling

Why poor spelling? Because I'm simply too lazy right now to even hit the spell button ... though who knows what can happen by the end of this. So I check my blog subs everyday from work (productive still while I am there) and I keep thinking I really oughtah post something because I love to write. I don't know why I wait for so long ... maybe it's the build up and dump ... and really I'm only doing this for myself. Like ... I read blogs of other people because I am genuinly interested in what's going on ... I watch to see how their children are fairing ... I have a great big fat heart and for some odd reason there's a HUGE place in that heart for children with cancer and mito disease and seizures and other random strange rare afflictions. I'm not sure why, I wasn't a sick child, I don't recall knowing any ... I don't know ... I'm drawn to them ...

ALSO drawn to the strength of the parents ... oh man ... could you IMAGINE! I can't even begin to realize what it must be like to be the parent of a very sick child. I mean ... my girls have been your average run of the mill sick in the past, R has had tubes placed, M has had a couple of fevers over 104 and vomiting ... we've done breathing treatments and there's been the emotional interventions ... but for real ... what these parents go through with their children ... I'm in awe of their abilities ... their ability to be honest and caring and flawed and daring and so raw and so real ... it's amazing the things can be when they are placed in certain situations. I don't even know these people and I love them AND their children and their families and their support system. A woman, I follow her blog ... her husband just passed recently after a valiant battle with brain cancer ... she's a mother of two young children, she's a loving wife, a loving mother, from what I can tell a loving friend and daughter. She was always so gratefull for everytihng ... only very rarely did she complain about her situation, really the only time she would speak negatively was when addressing the fact that the girls would not have their father in their lives. A gracious woman ... I would be honnored to know this woman. I had shared her blog with a friend of mine. My friend had read the blog cover to cover ... and after reading she said that she was jealous of their love ... she would give anything to swap places with her because what this wife ... soon to be widow ... what she had was true love ... and it was beautiful ...

Now I ramble ... it's beauty in pain. It seems often that people who do not suffer, people who do not meet obsticles, they don't know how to really value life. It makes sense though right ... you don't know just HOW bored you could really be until your life is no longer exciting ... You have no idea how loved you were until your lover is dying ... how graced you are with children (as pains in the butts they can be) until they are sick. How fabulous the air in your lungs is ... until those lungs are empty ... unable to expand.

In parts

My children, aside from being the most beautiful creatures of the natural known universe, are sometimes just normal kids who do have a tendency to be difficult. And this is fabulous to me because I do this constant back and forth of ... 'OMG my kids drive me up a wall!' (yup I'm that lady that uses that term "up a wall" then I notice I use it and I say 'yup, right up THAT wall' and realize how lame it sounds) then I think how lucky I am to have these kids that drive me up that wall, where ever that wall is ... who knows really, yes I realize it's a lame statement. So R is great, doing well in school, from her work that comes home I see she is REALLY trying. I think she's doing better than last year, still having trouble with some reading and writing BUT her math skills are great! M is, well she is the vehicle for which I am usually found up the wall, and my parents can be found there too. She is three, a stubborn three, so maybe she is in fact a "normal" three. We will be keeping an eye on this one though.

My school, we are coming up on week 5. I have had our first exam, passed with a 87%. I was happy to have passed BUT was really wanting a 90-something-% ya know! Ah well, study harder next time. Next exam is on October 13th on two units. The one after that is on October 27th. These next few units are going to be PACKED full of HEAVY material. We have physical assessment, medication calculation, IV, blood hangs, suction and wound care check offs coming up. I saw a written assignment and also care plans coming up as well. Get EXCITED!!! I am loving the material and the instructors and the fellow students. I only hope that things keep going this well and no gigantic wrenches get thrown in.

My work, meh. I am fine with what I do, thankful to have a job, I like most of the people at my place of employment and am happy to have benefits. However there is someone that I have direct day to day contact with that there seem to be some struggle with lately. I don't know exactly what it is, could just be me.

My love, oh ... I still don't want to touch on this one. He's a nice man, I run down the list of things that make him pleasantly different, special and normal (which we all know normal just doesn't happen anymore). However there are things like ... I really do believe with my heart that he is an alcoholic and just isn't quite aware of it yet. And I know I'm the only one really who reads this but I know my history with my ex and it's showed me signs. Though I wonder, has it also made me sensitive/hyperpresumptive (is that a word) to labeling people as such. Who knows, now is not the time to be figuring that all out. I honestly can't emotionally handle the over haul of my love life while going through nursing school, working full time and mothering two small girls. I know my limits (sometimes).

I just hope the waiting doesn't damage anything that would have other wise been avoided.

Anyway, my personal life, my private time, what I do, read, write, think, watch, listen to. Who I be when I'm on my own. I've been reading a lot of blogs about children with illnesses. A lot time has been spent reading up on these afflictions. I watch doctors speak on TED.com, I watch youtube, I read comments and read journals. I don't know why I have spent so much time on this, but I do know that I have a vested interest in it. I pray for these children, the ones I read about and the ones I don't' know about but I know they are out there. I pray for their parents. I pray for the families. I pray for the doctors that are trying to cure their medical conditions and I pray for the nurses and all care givers that tend to their little bodies and try to heal these children. I pray.

Just because

So I am thinking maybe I really don't have very much to write about. Or maybe it's just I don't have time, but I'm sure there are times where I am doing nothing else but surfing the web, although I also think that is something that I NEED to do too. A little down time never hurt anyone, I think it's necessary actually. Working full time and going to school and having the kids is not something I think is unmanageable, however it is a little much this semester. I know that down time is something I do not like to have. I actually found myself with a free 20 minute span this weekend and I was getting noticeably irritable. I get bored so easy, I dislike being at idle because I have too much to spend in my head. It is something I know about myself, a defect of character that I occupy, I cannot have nothing to do.

The weight of the work at school this year heavy, the hours are about the same. Also the fact that R has started first grade is a concern. I am not home until the very end of her day at bedtime OR after she is in bed. My DM is the caretaker for when I am not there and while I am eternally grateful for all that she does, sometimes she just doesn't do enough. She doesn't have the chance to sit down with R to get her homework done because my little one is good at distracting people. And my DM doesn't have a good grip on controlling my little ones bad behavior. In fact my DM is great at feeding into the behavior and enforcing negative attention to her. It's frustrating. I can only hope it's something that I will be able to correct two years from now when I graduate. God this sounds all depressing and stuff but it's the facts. I do what I can.

So far school is good, had clinical for the first time last week. My patient was a 93 year old woman with dementia, I got a good look at what I might be seeing at any given day in the hospital but not a good learning experience. I do hope she is comfortable for the rest of her stay on earth. I hope that I will be able to get some hands on action this week, next week I have clinical lab and that is done on campus as a simulation exercise.

As for my own inner personal stuffs ... I still live with ghosts and I don't why. Its frustrating. It seems to come on when I am getting my monthly. Now on one hand this is like ... no big deal, it's once a month and what evs, it lasts for a couple days and gone. On that other hand it's EVERY single month and good god lord WHY! There's got to be something there, there has to be a reason, something I'm hanging on to ... and honestly I guess I know I am. What is it ... why can't I just accept and move on. It's acceptance, it's got to be, I thought I had accepted it but obviously not. Like I know in some ways I have and I am happy about it, especially in regards to my little one. I am happy that my little one is not going to be exposed to that person however I am angry and hurt still for all that he did to me. I need to find a way to work through this while I am still living my busy life. This monthly recurrence of depression and sorrow has to stop. I am tired of my heart hurting. And I also think maybe if I let that go I might just lighten up on my bf, talk for another time.

First Day of School in My House

And a first post, what a thing that is! Today was my oldest DD first day of first grade. She was so excited, up and out of bed an hour and a half early at 7 am. She wore her back pack around the house the entire morning and of course was all smiles for the camera. She came to me last night just before bed time and showed me her wiggley tooth ... I felt it ... you know ... one of those twinges of motherhood.
I felt my daughter growing up. In that instant I looked at her and thought OH MAN!!! She is going to lose all her teeth, she will be taller than me, she will be getting phone calls from boys and one day she may even think I am the enemy! This is a stage we as tweens all go through. I hope that last part doesn't happen though. I would be perfectly happy to just always have a great mom/daughter relationship with both of my girls. I know we wont be friends, but to always be respected and loved by them is all I can ask for.
So anywho! I brought her down to the bus stop and waited there with her and my other DD and Nannie (my mom). As cool as could be I took a few shots with out (I hope) looking like that desparate first time mother. I watched her board the bus, she introduced herself to the bus driver and took her seat. I started to walk away and just as I turned back to the bus she was waving like crazy to me from her seat. I felt so proud, what a day and it was only 8:40am.