Just because

So I am thinking maybe I really don't have very much to write about. Or maybe it's just I don't have time, but I'm sure there are times where I am doing nothing else but surfing the web, although I also think that is something that I NEED to do too. A little down time never hurt anyone, I think it's necessary actually. Working full time and going to school and having the kids is not something I think is unmanageable, however it is a little much this semester. I know that down time is something I do not like to have. I actually found myself with a free 20 minute span this weekend and I was getting noticeably irritable. I get bored so easy, I dislike being at idle because I have too much to spend in my head. It is something I know about myself, a defect of character that I occupy, I cannot have nothing to do.

The weight of the work at school this year heavy, the hours are about the same. Also the fact that R has started first grade is a concern. I am not home until the very end of her day at bedtime OR after she is in bed. My DM is the caretaker for when I am not there and while I am eternally grateful for all that she does, sometimes she just doesn't do enough. She doesn't have the chance to sit down with R to get her homework done because my little one is good at distracting people. And my DM doesn't have a good grip on controlling my little ones bad behavior. In fact my DM is great at feeding into the behavior and enforcing negative attention to her. It's frustrating. I can only hope it's something that I will be able to correct two years from now when I graduate. God this sounds all depressing and stuff but it's the facts. I do what I can.

So far school is good, had clinical for the first time last week. My patient was a 93 year old woman with dementia, I got a good look at what I might be seeing at any given day in the hospital but not a good learning experience. I do hope she is comfortable for the rest of her stay on earth. I hope that I will be able to get some hands on action this week, next week I have clinical lab and that is done on campus as a simulation exercise.

As for my own inner personal stuffs ... I still live with ghosts and I don't why. Its frustrating. It seems to come on when I am getting my monthly. Now on one hand this is like ... no big deal, it's once a month and what evs, it lasts for a couple days and gone. On that other hand it's EVERY single month and good god lord WHY! There's got to be something there, there has to be a reason, something I'm hanging on to ... and honestly I guess I know I am. What is it ... why can't I just accept and move on. It's acceptance, it's got to be, I thought I had accepted it but obviously not. Like I know in some ways I have and I am happy about it, especially in regards to my little one. I am happy that my little one is not going to be exposed to that person however I am angry and hurt still for all that he did to me. I need to find a way to work through this while I am still living my busy life. This monthly recurrence of depression and sorrow has to stop. I am tired of my heart hurting. And I also think maybe if I let that go I might just lighten up on my bf, talk for another time.